The BORING Store

item: $3.00

Pencil Pen

With a push of the eraser, this seemingly innocuous pencil converts into a fully functioning pen. What better way to deceive that A.T.O.M.I.C. agent into thinking that you are incompetent and mistake prone than by appearing to take notes from a pencil? Pencils thrive on uncertainty and mistakes. The A.T.O.M.I.C. agent won’t have an inkling of the true substance with which you are actually writing, nor the competent and confident spy by whose hand it is written.

If in need of further deception with this item, you can tattoo yourself with the innards of the stylus and not run the risk of lead poisoning. The A.T.O.M.I.C. agent will assume you expired yourself and you can make your next move, while sporting a sweet, new design: perhaps a butterfly, with Chinese characters hidden in its wings, tethered via barbed wire to an anchor that’s been engraved with the secret code M.O.M.

item: $13.00

Banana Cell Phone

The problem with most cell phones, if not all, is that they look like cell phones. The enemy sees you, sees your cell phone, puts 1 and 1 together, and has 2 much information about who you work 4. Cleverly disguise your phone with this banana cell phone cover and the enemy will simply think you are a produce enthusiast. No more questions asked, no more information obtained.

item: $20.00

Mixtape USB Stick

When an agent needs to pass confidential documents, hide them on a USB drive in this tape. If the enemy happens to see the tape, one need not worry, for the enemy will do one of two things: 1) avoid the object altogether out of fear that the songs will have such emotional import that they will do him in or 2) scoff that the mixtape isn’t on vinyl and, with nose upturned, walk away.

item: $17.00

Barbasol Can Safe

One can hide behind a beard. One can hide inside a Beard Buster. Simply unscrew the bottom of this shaving cream can and store/retrieve your valuable goods such as but not limited to: cash, jewelry, digits, shaving gel.

item: $8.00

Pencil Drumsticks

We’ve all been there. You’re going through security and you flash your fresh VIP pass, recently printed in your basement. Disguised as a drum tech, you’re steps away from obtaining all the info you need backstage when security pats you down, looking for contraband in the form of a writing implement. You’re no mnemonist, you need to write down the info you find! Of course you have a pencil on you, so how do you conceal it?

Drumstick pencil, the drumstick that is also a pencil. Present your drumsticks and you’re in and ready to take your (nonmusical) notes.

item: $25.00

Chalk Chess

To prove your mental acuity you might be challenged to a game of chess. But a spy needs convenience. Boards are clumsy. It’s true. And bulky. One must not pack too much when on an international mission. Simply bring this chess set comprised of chess pieces made of chalk that allow you to draw your chess board wherever you see fit.

But beware the chalk dust. When Agent Kaspirov ordered the computer Deep Blue to a rematch, the human demanded they play with Chalk Chess. Deep Blue acquiesced and soon bit the dust, allowing Kaspirov an easy win.